I Googled it and it wasn’t a real term, so I’m coining it now.
Self-fatigued, adj : 1. Being, just, totally tired of yourself, you know? 2. Seriously, why can’t you just get it together? Remember the other day when you kind of had it together? What happened to that? 3. Look at the life So-and-So is living right now. It looks exciting. Remember when you used to be exciting and fulfilling all kinds of potential and now…? Well… do we even need to say it? Look at you… 4. It’s getting really old, you know. These same faults, popping up over and over again. It’s like, perfection already! Chop chop! What’s the hold up?!
Today, I feel really tired about my faults. Sometimes I can throw some energy and positivity at them and see them as the beautiful chips and cracks and blemishes that they may be, but sometimes I get antsy and bored and lazy and negative and anxious and apathetic and bothered all at the same time about them. Today is that kind of sometimes.
My brain feels muddy and I feel disappointed in myself, but I wanted to start writing from these swimmy, gross brain spaces. To try and sort through them, maybe, but also to see if anyone out there relates. To see how other people deal with the negative aspects of themselves and still manage to shine. And I guess to also not treat these feelings with such secrecy.
That’s why we all get wistful-faced and glarey-eyed while scrolling through our Instagram feeds, right? Because the curated version of other people’s lives makes us feel jealous and inadequate and we’re knifing our personal joy right in the heart while we continuously compare our lives to theirs.
I mean, no one’s actively posting on Facebook about what a shitty job they did as a human today. So we feel like we’re the only ones to ever fall short of our potential or pick a fight with someone we love about something really really stupid like whether their decision to get takeout in a styrofoam container will lead to the complete and final collapse of the environment once and for all. For example.
Today, after receiving the billionth solicitation email from a-company-that-shall-not-be-named, after I’d requested several times to be removed from their list, I wrote a strongly worded email. You know what the rep’s response was? She told me that I was “thoughtful and thorough” in “ripping her a new one.”
My initial response? “Victory! She thinks I’m thoughtful and thorough! I have so many talents! I’m like a beloved and fair queen ruling her kingdom with justice and grace! Stick with me, employee lady!” My subsequent response? “Is this really an area of my life in which I’m proud to excel?”
On one hand, yeah. I communicated my points effectively. Their company was being obnoxious. On the other hand? I could stand to take it down a few notches. Somewhere in the back of my mind, an old lady I’ve never met named Ruby is yelling, “Pick your battles, girl! Occasional takeout and semi-frequent unwanted emails were stupid battles!”
Ruby is so old and so wise. And in case you need a visual, she’s wearing an all pink sweatsuit and white socks with frills around the cuffs.
Anyway, I know I’m imperfect. And I can cohabitate with those faults, fine. But how do I make our living situation less unpleasant?
How do I find peace within myself when those reoccurring faults sometimes seem to take up so much space?
How does an I-like-to-think-“recovering”-but-maybe-not-as-recovering-as-I-would-have-hoped Perfectionist still love herself and kick ass, despite her downfalls?
Those are rhetorical questions unless you have some answers for me.
At any rate, I’m going to go do the dishes, go to sleep, and hopefully wake up with a cleaner brain, ready and motivated for world domination in the category of “Sucking Less Than I Sucked Yesterday”.